We have all had those moments, when someone said something to us and it just froze us, it was so off-the-freakin-charts insensitive.
I told someone one time that my daughter had epilepsy.
She look at me and responded with all sincerity.
“My Saint Bernard had epilepsy. He had a seizure one time and died of it.”
People say stuff. They aren’t thinking — clearly.
They tell us if we are single that one day we can hope to be married, if we lost a family member that they lost one too and they are better now. If our pet dies, well, we can get another one, if we have lost money “it is only money.”
If they offer to help with something, it is often on their terms, in a way that works for them, mostly advice — or veiled criticism.
A young single mom with young children told me recently that people have said to her, “You are a beautiful woman, you can easily get a man again.”
But would you want one?
It is just assumed that you would, because this is the patriarchal mindset that dominates everyday family-style clishmaclaver.
Helping often seems to be all about the helper, and the world view they are comfortable with.
People aren’t okay with our losses because it makes them insecure about their lives — that they could lose too — and so when they encounter our difficulties they want us to “get well,” to get back to social normal, for their sake, so they can continue basking in the blissful myth that all is well with the world — always or at least eventually.
It is not. God doesn’t fix everything, neither does money, nor does time, nor does “a man.”
What to do?
We can get cynical. We can get comical. We can get snarky. We can get quiet. All these work, and we will need this whole arsenal of response to survive — them, our saviors, our little helpers.
That being said, it occurs to me that no pleasure is greater than a comeback — that’s not later.
Someone I don’t know told me a while back that I was going to hell for not giving them money when they asked.
The next time I get that I think I’ll just agree with them. I have often thought the same thing myself. But I don’t think the main thing against me will be stinginess with users. God knows there is worse than that.
Of late I am of a mind to simply agree with those who think poorly of me. They don’t know the half of it. If we had time, I could give them a truck load of my failings, but it might just upset them more — poor things.
People are just full of judgment, and advice. When I was going through a particularly hard stretch I got this trite and untrue message from overly-Christianized people, “Everything happens for a reason.”
Yeah, it does. A lot happens because some people are jerks! People do bad stuff, and there are no good reasons lurking in the background behind all their mess making. God didn’t do it, the harmful stuff, a person did, and that isn’t easy to live with.
People want to nullify that, the legitimacy of hurt, taking responsibility for evil, and they want to powder away all negative responses. “Don’t get bitter,” they advise sagely.
“Bitter, of course we get bitter! And do you know what, I’m sure God is bitter too, in his own righteous way, because he didn’t want this stuff to happen to us, and you would have a bitter taste in your mouth if this kind of thing happened to you!”
When we eat bitter fruit, we taste a bitter taste, and that isn’t a sin or a failure or a choice. It’s a bitter reality.
Now I’m getting worked up and so you can all see clearly, “Wow, he’s a piece of work.”
Yup, you have no idea.
Thrive! 