Category Archives: family
I Love You; I Hate You!
It’s weird, but sometimes the people we love the most we hate the most. We don’t really hate them, but we sometimes have the strongest negative emotions that we have ever felt, toward them. At a moment of conflict, it feels like hate.
This is something we don’t want to admit. It sounds wrong, but really it’s quite normal. Feelings of love and hate live closer to each other than we may want to admit. We act the dance between the two out. We yell at a spouse or child, criticizing them for something they did or didn’t do, or we simmer inside, silently furious that they have neglected or hurt us, but afraid of our own emotions and afraid of conflict. And yet at the same time, we know we profoundly love them and are committed to them.
Why do we sometimes feel so strongly against those we love? There is so much at stake. Close, family relationships have a huge impact on identity, who we are or think we are. In these relationships we gain a deep sense of worth, and that this can be enhanced or damaged by the loved person. Family relationships also control us, adding to or limiting what we get from life in the crucial areas of money, sex and power. Either gain or loss of what we need amp up our emotions and stir fires of deep calm or anger in us.
We may conflict in a casual relationship without much consequence, but we know that a fight with a spouse or child matters. Our feelings in these relationships flash on brightly, like red lights at busy intersections at night.
What do we do with these feelings? We should honor them, we should accept them, we do best to lean into them. They help us. They are our friends. They tell us that we care. They tell us that these relationships matter. They are normal, and we normalize them by not denying them. And we honor them by acting on them; yes, we act on them by having the needed talk, by working out the needed negotiation, by giving time to process these valuable feelings.
This is life. Feel. You love. Feel. You matter. Feel. You have relationships that are important enough to fight for, to care for, to resolve.
Feel. You are alive!
Customized Love
We each experience love uniquely, filtering it through our personal backgrounds, personalities and experiences. In this domain, don’t bother with generics.
One person feels loved when they are given a gift that perfectly fits an interest they have. For them, that’s love. Another feels deeply loved by a snuggly hug, another by being close but not touching. Another feels most loved by being listened to as they share the trivia of their day, another by being allowed to talk about ideas, another by having a purring cat sleep on their lap, another by being allowed to watch a local football game with friends, another by being encouraged to go to the beach and walk with girl friends.
Love is ideolectic, which means it is articulated in the language of the individual, not the group. It is found in nick names and private endearments and familial neologisms and goofy redefinitions. It resides in family jokes, favorite foods and funny family stories, a language invented by people with the same reality even if they don’t have the same last name.
When we cannot experience love, the dysfunctions behind our attachment disorders are often idiopathic, unknown or at least unrecognized by us. An angry father, a perpetually drunk mother, a childhood illness, a traumatic divorce, a disabling shyness — we may have some idea as to our love disability, but often we are not quite sure as to its precise etiology. We may brood, “Why can’t I seem to connect well with people, bond, enter into love the way I see that others do?” We often don’t know precisely why; perhaps we never will. Love’s dysfunctions are complex, but we do not have to understand them completely to love.
To whatever degree we can give or receive love, we should; it is a gift and a thrill. Love is the essence of mental health and the core of happiness. Love is so essential that it should be made the highest priority of life. We should go all out to love the people we live with idiosyncratically, in the ways in which they want and need to be loved. We should gently, kindly, patiently and continuously customize our love for our spouses and boyfriends and kids and best friends.
If we do everything else but don’t do love, we have done absolutely nothing. Love is first, best, highest and most supreme. Do not miss making this your primary mission in every second of every day for the rest of your life.
Let quirky, personalized, specialized, custom-fitted love rule.
Fight Fair
“We had a fight last night.” Few families haven’t said that.
Most of us do verbal battle in our families, often at night when we are all home, and all tired. But that isn’t necessarily a bad thing. A certain degree of conflict is normal, even healthy! Conflict is needed to set things right when they have gone wrong.
My wife has confronted me several times in our marriage over spending too much time at work. As a result, we’ve made more space to be with each other more, to do more fun things together. Lately we’ve been walking together on the days we have off together. Conflict, if resolved well, can bring about new peace and order in the family.
But how we will fight, now that is worth thinking about, because if we don’t fight well, in fair and productive ways, we can cause a lot of damage and even eventually ruin our relationships. Early in my marriage, I said somethings my wife still remembers thirty years later. I wish I had been able to control my mouth better.
What do families commonly fight over? They fight over significant issues of power and control in important areas of life: money, in-laws, sex, children, homework, housework, jobs and friends. The underlying psychological reasons include our desire and need to control our lives, our instinctive drive to get our own needs met and the normal competition over the emotional and financial resources available.
In my family we have sometimes fought over how to discipline the children. Sometimes one of us has wanted to be tough on an issue and the other has wanted to be relaxed, to let things go. It’s classic; it’s the old war between the obeying the rules or relaxing and having fun, between having strict in discipline or creating a relaxed, easy going atmosphere. The truth is we need both in the family. Too much just-leave-them-alone and you get chaos and rebellion; too much hammering of the policy and the bedroom turns into a military barracks.
As a result it’s good to scrap about discipline once in a while, and to come to some middle ground between the police academy and an unspervised grade school playground.
Whatever the outcome, conflict should not be seen as something to avoid. The good family is not the family that never fights, but the one that knows how to fight in fair, appropriate ways.
Here are a few rules for fighting. You’ll recognize some of these. They are borrowed, currently part of the common language and knowledge of good conflict resolution.
1. Seek first to understand, then to be understood. The goal is to “Get it,” to really listen in such a way that you can truly understand how the other person feels and what they think.
2. Go for win-win outcome. That means you come to a solution both parties can live with. Avoid win-lose solutions, where someone dominates the others. To help, remember that you are fighting for your relationship, not for a personal victory.
3. Stay under control. Be kind. Work hard not to be abusive, mean, cold, hard, inflexible. Giving full vent to your anger can cause a lot of damage.
4. Give people space and time to process possible solutions if they want or need that. It’s great to work things out on the spot, before you go to bed, before it can build up. But sometimes, other people just need time to cool down and think a little. In that space they may even self-correct.
5. Stick to the point. Avoid bringing in a bunch of other unresolved issues, and avoid personally attacking the character of the person you are disputing with.
6. Support your spouse in front of your kids. If you don’t agree with your spouse, set aside some space and time to talk it through later. Parents who are united can do a super job of dealing with kid issues.
7. Avoid arguing late in the evening, when you are tired, when you have the least control.
8. Ask for forgiveness, and be willing to forgive.
Different, But Still Family
One of the most obvious things about the people in your family is that some of them are quite different from you.
Take the issue of how we process time. We process it differently. Some are speedy thinkers, quick with a response, quick to want to suggest solutions, quick to want to make up after a fight. Others are deliberate processors, slow to know what they feel, in need of time to make a decision.
One of my daughters processes things over time. Recently we got in an argument over what movie to watch. I pushed; she got upset. It was a bit of a mess.
When the deliberate processors meet the fast processors over an issue, watch out. The quick tend to bulldoze the slow; the slow tend to stall the quick.
The solution? In the family, it is wise to allow for differences without judging and stigmatizing the way the people we live with process things. The quick can say, “Hey, take a little time and get back to me on what you think.” The slow can say, “It’s good that you want to resolve this now. Let’s see if we can talk it out. What do you think we should do?”
The secret is to honor the other persons process and to negotiate in a way that works for both people. On the movie issue, my daughter and I gave it some time. We came to an agreeement.
Often the differences in our families show up in our likes and dislikes. Some like sports; some like to read. Some like to hike; some like to watch TV. Again it is so easy to be threatened by differences. If we aren’t atheletic, could it be that atheletic people make us feel clutsy? If we aren’t smart and bookish, perhaps the literary nerds make us feel ignorant.
I like to watch football. My wife doesn’t. She graciously gives me space to do this. And she doesn’t just tolerate it; she supports me in it. Recently I invited a friend over to watch a playoff game with me. My wife called my friend’s wife, and they took a walk during the game.
The solution to our different likes? Again, it is to allow for differences without judging each other. Who wants a family full of rules and reactions that keep people from enjoying what they really love to do? By giving space for others to do what they want, we allow them to be happy and fulfilled. And furthermore, if we will participate in each others likes, we can expand our interests and become increasingly enriched people.
Giving a spouse or child a chance to pursue their passion is a way of serving and deeply loving them. The I-want-you-to-be-able-to-do-what-you-want response is at the core of what it means to love another person.
Differences between us can threaten or enrich; it’s mostly our choice.
The Values Outlast The Rules
Values rule, not rules.
Over a recent holiday my daughter and I hiked through some beautifully sculpted sand cliffs down to the beach at Torrey Pines State Park in San Diego. On the way down, we stopped and ate the lunch we brought. On a bluff overlooking long, curling waves we chatted away and luxuriated in the sun and sage bushes. On another day we drove to downtown San Diego together and had lunch at a favorite bistro of hers. I picked the corn chowder and turkey sandwich based on her recommendation. The rye bread was superb — my choice. Afterward we walked and shot pictures of ourselves sitting by a fountain at the train depot.
These days were the best! I think of these kind of days as the it-was-all-worth-it, the now-we’re-really living, the it’s-so-good-to-be-together days. The activities were simple, but the time was rich with deeply shaping, underlying values – the value of respect for each other’s choices, the value of good food and the universally esteemed value of walking with someone you love in a beautiful place.
We parents want our children to open their arms and take in our values. Step-parents and single parents and foster parents and grandparents and adopted parents and surrogate parents and every other kind of parents want to enrich our children with a wealth of rich, wise beliefs.
But there is a very important question here: How do we do this? Let’s try to be bluntly helpful about this. Not by pounding our children with the rules. If we pound children with rules they may reject our values. I know a family where the kids were constantly dominated by rules. The rule hounding produced anxious, angry, frustrated children. On the other hand, too little rule making and enforcing and we may produce undisciplined, unwise and disrespectful children. I know a family where the parents were very passive and the kids were very much in charge. Everyone of the kids made a mess of their adult life. It’s a balance, but keep in mind the end – we want to produce value-inspired people, not rule-enslaved people.
What are values? Values are our deepest beliefs, our core truths, the things we hold to be good and right, those guiding ideas that help us live well. Where do we get them? We get them from our most trusted sources — our experiences, our family, best friends, our trusted spiritual leaders. They also come from the collective wisdom of the community. They are beautiful, powerful realities – things like love, beauty, honesty, kindness, integrity, trust in God, hard work, tolerance of diversity, freedom to make choices.
To really understand values, it helps to see that they are somewhat different from rules. Rules and values are similar in that they both set standards, but rules tend to demand while values tend to inspire. In general we might say that values endure; rules change. Although some don’t: Replace the toilet paper roll when it runs out; don’t use other people’s tooth brush. Rules are typically imposed from the outside; values live within and surpass rules.We give our children a rule; hold my hand when we cross the street. But one day the child will cross alone, taking her own responsiblity to look both ways. A value underlies the crossing rule, the value of safety, and we want this value to guide all our children’s choices, even their risky ones.
Ask of every rule you make for your children, what value does it flow from? When the value becomes embedded in the child, the rule may no longer be needed. The goal is for our children to grow out of our rules and into our values. The goal is for them to become motivated from within, not from without. A curfew will one day be let go; the value of rest and of safety will not.
In our family we have a kind-of unwritten rule that the person who cooked dinner doesn’t have to clean up., and all the people that eat without cooking, are expected to help reconstruct the kitchen. It works; it gets the job done. But behind the rule are at least two important values: the value of order and the value of responsibility. My wife and I hope that these values will remain in our girls long after they are gone from our home and our rules.
How do we build our values into our children? Bottom line: your kids will most likely value what you model by your own behavior, not what enforce by your own rules. They will learn the most from what we do with them and for them, not as much what we say to them.
When our children were younger, we took them to dance classes and music lessons; we put them on sports teams. And we had a general rule that when we committed to a class or a season, we went every week and completed the experience. These were fun times, but these times are now gone. And yet we can see that the value of art and of sport and of teaming with others and of following through is something that the girls now own. One now plays on a special olympics type of basketball team by her own choice. The other is chosing to study literature in London next fall.
As our children grow up and leave home, we will no longer be there to provide the experiences and enforce the rules, but our hope is that through the experiences they have had and the way we have interpreted these experiences for them, powerfully shaping values will remain. When our children are with us we make rules about money and time. One day we hope that they will internalize and live by the values behind these rules, the value of saving, the value of planning ahead or the value of spontaneity.
We do well to keep in mind the end product: we want our children to own the underlying powerful beliefs that make for the best life. Do your best work parents. Go deep. By your own actions, embed powerful ideas in their little psyches.
On a recent Sunday afternoon, my oldest daughter and I went to church, went out to lunch and split a sandwich, came home and watched a football game together, went out to a movie, afterward did a little shopping for necessities, grabbed a bite at one of her favorite places for for dinner and came home and read and goofed off. It was like being on vacation. No rules; we did what we wanted, but we honored a very high value — us!
When their arms are open and their spirits are open, while you still have time with them, pour into them the most profound and lasting values of life — the values of love and kindness and nonproductive leisure and respect and the supreme value of just being together.
Catch Happiness
Happiness is hereditary. Your kids can get it from you.
Families want to be happy families. Sociologist, George Barna, reports that one of the greatest needs expressed by adults is the need for a happy family.
A few years ago, I had the pleasure of spending the afternoon with my brother Lars and his family. As we walked along the boardwalk of the St. Claire River in Port Huron, Michigan, our eyes were lured from the impressive 800-foot freighter passing by to something that seemed even more eye-catching – it was Lars’s two teenagers strolling along in front of us, arm-in-arm, chatting with each other and laughing. Pointing to his kids, who were thoroughly enjoying each others company, Lars remarked, “It doesn’t get any better than this.”
A few tips
Many of us want a happy family, but how do we get there? To be honest, no family is happy all the time, nor need they try to be, but there are some simple things we can do to improve the odds.
Don’t compare your family to other families
Live comparison free. Don’t compare your husband; don’t compare your kids; and don’t compare your in-laws.
My family is so different from my brother’s. His daughter Rachel graduated as a valedictorian, a straight A student, an accomplished flutist. Awards for spelling bees, awards for academic excellence, and scholarships from the Young Educator’s Society decorated her journey toward becoming a teacher. Rachel is a wonderfully successful young woman.
My daughter Rosalind travels a different road. Rosalind has accepted by the San Diego Regional Center, an agency providing services for the developmentally disabled. Rosalind has epilepsy. She is in special education classes in community college. Rosalind will never win a spelling bee. She won’t be the valedictorian of her class. Our family has clapped for her, but we’ve cried for her and with her too. We are choosing, everyday, not to go through life comparing Rosalind with other girls. That won’t help any of us.
All of us are tempted to compare. We might think our families are not as fun, not as healthy, not as spiritual, not as complete, not as wealthy, not as smart, not as you-name-it. We often tend to compare ourselves with those who we think have it better. But in the Bible, 2 Corinthians 10:12-13, it is wisely written, “We do not dare to classify or compare ourselves with some who commend themselves. Good advice. So our family will stick to bragging about Rosalind’s success in Special Olympics. We couldn’t be more proud.
Have fun together
Don’t underestimate fun. Proverbs 10:1 says that “a wise son brings joy to his father.” A primary goal in the family is to bring joy to each other. The wise have fun – together.
I don’t have a perfect family, and I’m not a perfect dad or husband. But I make ’em laugh at home. I consider it my fatherly duty to be as wild, unpredictable, and outrageous as necessary to make lighten up the house. We should hold nothing fun back at home. We should dance in the living room to loud music. We should stay up late and eat all the ice cream. We should all travel together farther than we think we should.
I once asked some high school students, “What is your best family memory?” They said: “When my parents surprised us at Christmas and took us to a theme park.” “When we went to Wyoming.” Their answers almost all involved family vacations. I asked my daughters about their favorite family memory. For our family, our kids will say it was our trip to Hawaii, snorkeling in along the Kona coast with the sea turtles.
And families need to party together. Someone told me recently: “I don’t remember the gifts my parents gave me for my birthdays when I was young. But I remember the parties.”
How much fun are you in your family? Be crazy. Joke more. You’ll feel better. So will the people who live with you.
Set clear goals
Set goals, then get busy accomplishing them. To be happy, human beings need something meaningful to do. Goals stir us to rich living. Isaiah 32:8 says, “The noble man makes noble plans, and by noble deeds he stands.”
One of the goals in our family is that all of us will develop meaningful lifelong interests. Rosalind plays basketball. Laurel sings Linda swims and sews. I read. These things make us happy.
Evidence suggests that few families make “noble plans.” George Barna reports that only 4 percent of families have goals. Perhaps many of us don’t plan because we are naively hoping that the things we want for ourselves and our kids will just happen spontaneously or naturally, like growing wisdom teeth or getting pimples. But good things don’t always come to those who wait.
Charles Shedd has written some great books on parenting and marriage. In his book You Can Be a Great Parent! Charlie explains how he and his wife set clear financial goals to guide their relationships with their teenage children.
“By your junior year in high school, we want you to manage yourself financially.”
”By driver’s-license age, we want you in your own car.”
Setting goals promotes teen responsibility. Such an approach could make for some very successful young people.
What about some spiritual goals? Here’s a simple one: I will talk to my kids about God.The church isn’t responsible for our children’s relationship with God. We, as parents, are responsible for our kids’ spirituality. I’ve had a great time with my daughter, Laurel, reading and discussing Old Testament stories about Ruth, Esther, David, and Elisha.
How about goals related to productivity? Here is one: I will teach my children how to work hard. I will gift my children with chores. Why? Because if my children learn how to work hard, they will be wanted. And being wanted is part of being happy.
Catch happiness, it’s hereditary. And then pass it on to your kids.
Creating Respectful Families
The 5th Commandment: Has It Been Forgotten?
Suddenly Laurel jumped up from the school lunch table. With her lipsticked, fashion-clad girlfriends watching, she ran down the corridor past the bathrooms, caught up with me, and threw her arms around me. “Daddy, I love you!” she gushed, eyes sparkling. The she punctuated her enthusiasm by landing an unusual public kiss on my head.
I reeled all the way to the car, a huge smile taking over my entire face. On the elementary school campus in front of her peers, the daughter who had lately asked me not to walk her “all the way” to school had charmingly fulfilled the Fifth Commandment. With affection and appreciation, she had publicly done just that.
“Honor your father and your mother,” reads the fifth of the Bible’s Ten Commandments. And in those few words, lie one scripture’s greatest pearls of relational wisdom. It’ a great goal, but today many families struggle to decorate their relationships with respect.
This doesn’t have to be so. There are ways to gain the respect and affection of our children. Children who honor their parents can be the norm. From inside out, children can learn to prize their parents highly and offer their warm affection. And the exciting thing is that parents can do a lot to help their children with this.
Be Honorable
First, we must be honorable parents. Parents who live honorably influence their children to live honorably too. Thomas Watson, the popular 17th century London preacher, captured the essence of this truth when he wrote, “The father is the looking glass which the child dresses herself by.”
My wife, Linda, works a few hours a week at the public library. One morning, our younger, Laurel, plopped down on the couch beside her mom. “Mom,” she said, putting her hand on Linda, “I like your skirt. I like your boots. I like your sweater. When I grow up, I’m going to work at the library.”
Laurel wanted to be like Linda. What an honor – to be your daughter’s looking glass! Linda’s self-respect, her strength, her ability to do many things well – these things caught Laurel’s attention. When parents are honorable people, then it is most natural for our children to honor them.
But when parents are not honorable, it is difficult for their children to honor them. A friend of mine recently shared her traumatic childhood with me. She didn’t find an accurate looking glass in her parents. When she was 9, her mom lost her temper and hit her in the head with a screw driver, causing her to require stitches. Not long after that, her biological father came to her house at night, shattered a window, and kidnapped her. Most terribly, when her mom remarried, her stepfather molested her! As she told me her story, she cried. I asked her, “How do you honor that?”
”I can honor only as much as I can forgive,” she said. “Sometimes, honoring means letting go of the hating.” Parents can reduce honor that much. Parents have everything to do with how difficult or how easy it is for our children honor us. The parental goal is to live so honorably that respect comes naturally to their children.
Teach Children to Honor
While living honorable lives is important, it is not enough. We must also teach children to honor. In the Bible we find several disastrous family situations that were the result of parental indulgence and passivity. Eli, a priest, had sons who broke his heart with their greed and corruption. Part of the problem? Eli was too tolerant. He waited too long to correct his sons. King David’s son, Absalom, crushed his father with rebellion; and yet David, morally weakened by his own adultery, didn’t question or correct Absalom. As difficult as it may be, parents must accept responsibility for their own failures so that they can also hold their children responsible if their children disrespect them.
“Discipline your son, and he will give you peace; he will bring delight to your soul,” advises Proverbs 29:17. True, but too often we understand discipline as standing outside of the problem and bringing correction to it. Real, loving parental discipline does more than that. Discipline that brings peace in the relationship involves intentionally entering into children’s problems, empathizing with them, problem solving with them.
Sandra, a young mother, recently told me of her struggle with her fifth-grade daughter’s disrespect. Her strong-willed daughter constantly pushed the limits and was extremely uncooperative and disobedient. One day, unable to stand any more disrespect, Sandra broke down. She lay face down on the bed and cried deep tears of frustration and disappointment. Hearing her mother’s anguish, the daughter was drawn to her mother’s room.
“She saw my pain,” said Sandra. “Then she, too, began to cry. She came and hugged me. It was a very special moment for us. I told her that she would always have a strong personality, but that she must learn to control it. We prayed together. It was a life-changing experience for both of us.”
Make Honor the Norm
Honor is a team sport. Every relationship in the family must be honored. As parents, we must honor our parents in front of our children. We must honor our spouses in front of our children. We must honor each child equally in front of the others.
This is a challenge, but we can do it. In one home, a wife struggles with her husband’s lack of warmth or sensitivity, but she always supports his role as father in front of the children. In another home, a husband finds it tough not to critique his wife’s “strong reactions,” but he always backs her up by requiring the children to respect her requests. In yet another family, one child excels above the others, but the parents do not make this child the “redemption” for the other children’s failures. In these ways, families subtly, yet powerfully, establish a climate of team honor.
Recently at the end of a game with my older daughter, Rosalind, I realized that she had let me win! She had noticed over the years that I had often let her win. This is the way life should be in our families – taking turns letting each other “win.”
Seek the Honor Promise
We should seek the promise that comes with honor. “Honor your father and your mother, so that you may live long in the land the Lord your God is giving you,” says Exodus 20:12. This is the only one of the Commandments with a promise, the promise of long life. How interesting. In what way does honor promote life?
I once attended a memorial service for a young mom who died of cancer. At the service, everyone felt the terribly empty spot left by her death, and yet the impact she had made on all of us was so present. When her children talked, we saw again how she was beautifully present in the strength she had given them. She was there in the “mom” and “friend” stories we told. We all laughed about how often she would remind us to get our “tails” down to the gym and exercise. We joked about how she used to stop by our houses and talk too long. People commented on how even in the face of the unthinkable she constantly choose not to give up.
When parents live honorably, no matter how long they live, their children inherit the promise of “life” in the form of their values, attitudes, and character.
The Fifth Commandment is wise instruction we should not forget. Honor is a behavior we parents can motivate, and it is worth our time to do so. The next creative move we make toward gaining our children’s respect may win the sparkling reward of their honor.
The day Laurel ran me down on the school campus and honored me with a hug and a kiss and an “I love you, Daddy,” I had simply brought her a “cool” lunch from a favorite restaurant. Honor was a great deal that day! But when isn’t it?
A Code of Honor
To help your children honor you, teach them these things:
- To show you respect whenever you are present
- To respect your values even when you are not present
- To accept your requests without complaining
- To know how to disagree with you without showing disrespect
- To come to you with their struggles
- To care for your when you struggle
- To do things the first time they are asked
- To pitch in and help even if they are not asked
- To ask God for help whenever it seems difficult to be respectful
Money
Money 101
By Randy Hasper
What you are currently teaching your teens about money has everything to do with whether they will be in debt up to their eyeballs ten years from now. The teen years are the habit setting years – whether it’s snacking, studying or spending. These are the years when young buyers (and their parents) begin to spend some serious cash, and so this is a parent’s best and perhaps last chance to teach life-long financial skills.
The financial community is ready to put plastic in the next generation’s wallets, but do our young spenders know when to pull it out and when to put it back in the holster? CNNMoney reports that high school seniors, on average, answered only 52.4 percent of the answers correctly on a financial survey.
The consequences of not teaching the next generation about money are clear. According to Dr. Robert Manning, the author of Credit Card Nation, the fastest-growing group of bankruptcy filers is people age 25 and younger. Will your teen be filing ten years from now?
Here are ten things you can do right to positively shape your young spender’s financial future:
1. Show them the money. One of the best things you can do for your teens is to put them in touch with prices. Show them the gas and electric bill, the phone bill, the car payment, the mortgage or rent.
My wife and I have our young spenders go grocery shopping with us, picking out the best deals together, stopping to grab that half-gallon of cookie dough ice cream because it’s on sale. Several times this last year I had one of my daughters pay some bills with me on-line. I let her do the clicking, entering the $80 for the family mobile phone policy, the $65 for the water bill. In the fall, when I was out of the country, I asked her to pay some bills for me. She pulled it off like a financial cyber-pro.
2. Bankroll them. Young adults will cost you, whether they manage their money or you do. When they are little we give them allowances. As they age we need to give them an increasing amount of money until they manage all their own expenses. Figure out what you spend each month on your teens (not housing or food), but clothes, lessons (piano, dance), french fries, cosmetics, and entertainment. This might be a significant sum, but it is what it is. Then each month give them that amount of money and let them do the paying. In this way, they learn to set priorities (jeans this month, shoes next), and to make consistent payments for their lessons. If they run out, don’t rescue them. Make them live in the real world of you’ve got what you’ve got.
This is the best route to financial independence. Last December, my seventeen year old bought, with her allocated money, all the Christmas presents that she gave. Last week she picked up a pair of Converse shoes and Lucky jeans. Her choices are wonderfully up to her.
3. Make ‘em pay. There are some things that most teens won’t be able to buy without you, perhaps it’s the MP3 player, the cell phone, the cost of their involvement in a school activity, their first car, college. There is still value in them paying something. Require them to save up a portion of the cost. It’s a great chance to teach so many things, not the least being learning to delay gratification.
When my daughter wanted an expensive MP3 player, we discussed with her what she could contribute to the purchase. This was a bit tough on her, but we talked it out and she proposed a figure. It was a significant amount of money for her, so she had to wait, and work and save. But when the time came to buy, it was a meaningful, satisfying buy.
4. Show them the cost of money. Explain interest to your teens. This matters! You are protecting their future marriage. Financial stress and conflict are leading causes of divorce. Show your teens the amount of interest you pay on your home loan, your car loans, and your credit cards. Explain that, for most people, things like a home purchase require paying interest.
Show them, on the other hand, the danger in debt. I show my daughter our credit card statement. The daily periodic rate is .0828%. That doesn’t seem like so much now does it? The annual percentage rate is 30.24%. Now that is a monster we avoid!
I know a parent who will loan her teens money if they are out shopping and forget to bring their wallets along. But she charges a small amount of interest. She’s not making money, she’s making responsible people.
5. Introduce them to a banker. To aid our empowered spenders in controlling their money, we took them to our credit union and helped them open savings accounts and obtain ATM cards. Once they leaned to manage those, we moved on to Visa check cards, debit cards. Different institutions have different policies, but we found our credit union very helpful. Now both girls have checking accounts, and they keep track of these online. They have small savings accounts so that if they go over there is overdraft protection.
But they are learning that when the money is out, the money is out. If they incur fees, they are responsible for them. And we don’t bail them out. The best financial teacher is experience. Not every teen is ready for this, but at some point they need to get ready for this. Adulthood, it’s coming fast.
6. Shop ‘til they drop. Then next time they want to buy something important to them, comparison shop with them. Take a trip with them on-line to web sites that offer product reviews and comparisons. Go with them to several stores before making big purchases. Show them how to look for sales in the newspaper, how to use coupons.
When my daughter upgraded her mobile phone recently, we read the reviews on the internet. Through our research we found the coolest phone at the coolest price. What a fine feeling – tracking down and capturing a great deal!
7. Share a classic with them. Help your teens set up a savings account and a savings goal. Saving is at the crown jewel of good money management. An emergency, a sudden need doesn’t throw the saver into a panic. Capital, margin is an antidote to financial stress. And through saving, they can eventually get some really cool stuff.
They can save up for a trip, perhaps for their part of a car. My oldest daughter bought her own TV, after saving. She bought a leather couch for her room – saving. She bought her own PlayStation – saving. She has the most fun room in the house – because she saves before she spends.
8. Don’t forget generosity. Having something to give is a privilege, a pleasure. Begin to talk to your teens about charity. It is their choice, but you should share what you do as a model. Show them what you have donated to disaster relief, medical research, your alma matter, your church, synagogue or mosque. It is more blessed to raise generosity than stinginess. You may be raising the next Joan Kroc or Bill Gates.
My wife and I help support a young teacher who works for a nonprofit organization that runs a first-rate school in an inner city area. Following our choice one of our girls decided to donate some of her money too. How satisfying!
9. “Get a Job.” During the school year, we have decided that we don’t want our teens working, or working very much. We want them to focus on their studies, to enjoy life when they finish the homework. But they can do something. The occasional Saturday job, the short-term summer or intercession job – it’s excellent training. In some markets, it can be very hard for teens to find a job on their own. We found success in helping our young adults get their first jobs through friends and personal connections. It may be mowing lawns, babysitting, working for a friend with a business.
Recently, one of the girls got a job tutoring a younger student. It’s perfect! Four hours per week for really good money. Excellent possibilities are out there for the go-getters who have connections.
10. Be the model. There is no more powerful influence than the power of a good model. If you make smart choices your young spenders will see how to make smart choices. If you show restraint, they will have a model of restraint. If you overindulge, show them what it is costing you. If you make a late payment, show them the late fees. When you get a bargain, brag about it. The girls know which new sports car I like. They also know that I don’t have one in the garage.
We love our kids. Because of this we plan ahead for them, saving for college, perhaps investing in real estate and mutual funds that may someday provide for them and their children. We are investing in them, in their future. Someday we will spend big bucks for them, on cars and college and weddings.
But when they arrive at adulthood, when they have the bucks, when they have the plastic, when they inherit the assets, will they know how to handle it all? What we do today, will help determine how they spend tomorrow. Money 101, you’re the teacher, and class starts now.
What do you think?
